Her (working title)
by TerritorialFaeBullshit
Summary: Dean Winchester pushed away the person he loved the most he did it to protect her but now he regrets his decision and has probsbly lost her forever.


DISCLAIMER: - I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS ONLY EMMA IS MINE (NOT THE SAME CHARACTER FROM MY LAST I JUST LIKE THE NAME, PROPABLY USE HER NAME IN ALL OF MY CREATIONS).

WARNING: - MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE AND OTHER POSSIBLE TRIGGERS.

AUTHORS NOTE: - THIS STORY IS COMPLETE AND AGAIN PLEASE IGNORE GRAMMICAL ERRORS. COMMENTS WELCOME.

  
  


"Dean if you miss her, just go and tell her."

"I can't do that Sam." I said taking a swig of my drink.

"Why not?" Sam asked.

"Because I love her, I love her so much and I couldn't tell her because I had to push her away, I had to make her hate me, because of the way we live. Everyone we love ends up hurt or worse Dead. I couldn't let that happen to her Sam I just couldn't." I said pouring everything out to him.

"Dean, I get that okay, but it's her. She's been in this life for as long as I can remember, she knows how to take care of herself."

"But what if she died Sam, what would you do, what would I do, I can't risk her life just because I love her."

"Then what's the point?"

"Point in what?"

"Any of this? This life, the risks, the rewards, me, you, Cass, her?" He took a breath before continuing "If we are too scared to lose people there is no point in living this life. We are going to lose people Dean, that's the kind of life we live." Sam said.

"That's my point Sammy; we lose people all the time because of the life we live. I can't do that anymore. We've lost to much, Mum, Dad, Jess, Cass, each other."

"Dean."

"Don't Dean me Sammy, she's gone, she's never coming back and that's the best thing for her. Yes I love her more than anything, but she doesn't feel the same so it's better she's not here with us, with me. She doesn't love me and what I'm supposed to sit by while she dates boys and falls in love with someone else. While I die a little bit more everyday watching?" I said as a tear escaped.

"And that's what you need to tell her." Sam was saddened by this situation, he always has been, he begged me not to do what I did but I did it anyway and it was-is the biggest mistake of my life.

"No Sam, I'm not going to talk to her, I can't and I can't see that pain on her face again, so just drop the bloody subject." I yelled walking out of the bunker.

I walked straight out not wanting to be near Sammy. I didn't think twice about it, I got into baby starting up the engine and just drove and drove until I pulled up outside the tower of flats.

I knew that this was a bad idea; I knew that it wouldn't end well. But I couldn't stop my legs from walking up to B12 and I couldn't stop myself from knocking on the door. My body wouldn't listen and it was too late.

The door opened and I held my breath.

Once I saw her I couldn't speak, nothing would form. But god I missed her.

"Dean." she said like she knew I was coming.

"Can we talk?"

She didn't reply just moved to the side giving me my answer.

I walked in and she shut the door behind me. I turned to face her to say something but she beat me to it.

"What do you want Dean?" So much hatred filled her voice.

"I need to talk to you." I said moving towards her.

"We have nothing to talk about, you made that very clear." she said moving away from me.

"Please." I pleaded.

"Please what Dean, you told me to leave, to never come back to move on, that I was just in the way of you of everything."

"I didn't mean what I said."

"No" She held her hand up "You don't get to do that, you broke me and you broke my heart Dean. I never thought you'd say what you said to me, I was stupid to think that you could be any different."

"Please here me out." I pleaded again.

"NO, I trusted you, I trusted you with my life and you threw me aside, you-"

She fell to the floor.

I sat with her like I used to and she looked up at me, tears stained her face and all I wanted to do was kiss them away to tell her how I felt but I couldn't bring myself to do it, now that I was here in front of her it wasn't fair.

"Please just leave, you can't push me away and then come and see me when you want, it doesn't work like that."

"I know, I just."

"Just what? Came here to do what?" she spat, standing up and moving away from me as she did.

I stood up "I-" then I looked at her, really looked at her.

She had changed so much, she was always thin, but this wasn't thin, it was scary thin. Her clothes were layered and loose to hide the bones that jutted out, but it was so clear just looking at her check-bones and the skinniness of her hands that she was starving herself. I wondered how far she was from needing hospitalisation and how far she was from organ failure. It wasn't hard to see that if she gained just thirty pounds or so she would be like she used to be, beautiful but how she was now. I averted my eyes forcing that thought down.

"What-"

"Don't bother, don't look at me like that, like I'm broken and falling apart, I'm fine" she said not looking at me.

"You are not fine." I said tears forming in my eyes.

"So what if I'm not, so what if I'm broken why do you care?"

"Because" I stopped myself this is not the time.

"Because what Dean, if you're not going to tell me there is the door." She turned around pointing to the door.

"I'm not leaving you." I am standing my ground I'm not letting her go again.

"Then just tell me, stop putting me in pain." She walked up to me so she was inches from me.

"Because I love you" I spat out before I could stop myself, she looked like someone had hit her.

"I-"

"No don't." she said walking away from me, but I wouldn't let her not this time, I reached out for her wrist pulling her back to me.

"I love you."

"Stop."

"No. Look I have no illusions I know the life I live. I know how it is going to end for me. Whatever. I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know, that when I do picture myself happy, it's with you."

Tears began pouring from her eyes.

"I'll leave now if you want me to, I understand that I hurt you, I never wanted to I just wanted to keep you safe, if I knew that..." I stopped taking a deep breath. "I don't want anyone else - just you. And no matter where I am, wherever I go you're the only one who is holding my heart."

She didn't say anything; she just stood there looking at me.

"I know I'll leave" I said going to walk away.

"Dean?"

I turned around and she was right in front of me.

"Dean, you need to wake up".

"What?"

"You need to wake up".

"I don't understand". I was so confused.

"Stop blaming yourself for what happened to me, you need to move on with your life and you need to wake up."

"What are y..."

"WAKE UP" she yelled in my face shaking me.

I sat bolt upright in bed to find Sam next to me.

"Hey, easy"

"Sam, what?"

He just looked at me sympathy in his eyes.

"I need to go." I said suddenly remembering everything before I woke up.

I drove to her apartment and ran to her room banging on the door, no answer, nothing.

Please god no.

I tried the door and it was open. I walked in and everything was covered in dust. Her bookcase, her desk, her bedroom, everything, tears filled my eyes.

"What happened? Why can't I remember what happened to you?"

I walked into her room and sat on her bed, I smiled when I saw the all too familiar book on her bedside. I opened it and a piece of paper fell out, I retrieved it from the floor. It had my name scribbled across it.

I hesitated but opened it.

  
  


Dean,

I don't know where to start I shouldn't even be writing this, I probably won't even send this but I needed to write something down, if you ever find this please don't blame yourself for what happened to me, it's not Sam's fault or yours its mine. I couldn't talk to you about this, I couldn't tell you how I felt so I want you to promise me something move on and don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done to save me because I didn't want to be saved. I love you Dean Winchester, I always will,

So I'm sorry, but this is goodbye.

  
  


I had tears streaming down my face. But I couldn't stop myself from walking into the bathroom, it was covered in blood.

No, no, she wouldn't, she couldn't.

Then it all came rushing back, the fight, her leaving and then all that blood her limp body in my arms as I took her to the hospital. As the paramedics rushed her in and as I sat there helplessly as I watched her slowly fade away and as I watched Sam turn off her life support.

I collapsed to the floor crying my eyes out, how could I forget? How could I forget her dying?


End file.
